april 29

We’ve all surrendered, in more ways than one, to our death which we can see just above the horizon. But I’m not going to speak of the sky and the misfortunes it brings. I’m talking about the people I know, some I wish I didn’t, for they invade my dreams and twist them into nightmares of some sort. They have surrendered. I have surrendered.. to life? To the struggles set out before me. I have given up almost entirely. I’m waiting for conflict, confrontation, something big to emerge, finally, from the dust. Do they have bad consciences? Which whisper irreversible guilt into their ears? You would think so, for they destroyed me so. They destroyed me right down to the gut. It’s only recently that I have felt my blood pulse through me at normal pace, no rush and no hum of electricity and static poisoning my circulation. This is a year where I won’t be returning to university, I’ve knelt down to face what these demons have brought, but whether I fight is still undecided. They must, absolutely must, feel some remorse. Or they are high, forever high, on their opium, something I am secretly envious of, for I know how it erases everything terrible from your emotional spectrum, “everything is nice in the end”. I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself, I just wanna get fucked up. Nice and high and free.

@1 year ago